Tag: trust

Relationships and the Need for Control

Ever feel like you need to be in control of everything in your life? This has most likely happened to the best of us. The need for control is not because you’re a control freak, or because you’re OCD, it’s because you need to secure safety for yourself. 

Needing to feel in control in relationships has a lot to do with a sense of safety as well. I was sitting on the couch with my boyfriend the other night, and we were trying to figure out our plan for the weekend. I looked over at him and said, “we can do whatever you want.”This is very much unlike me, especially when it comes to relationships and decision making.

As I noticed this change in my behavior, I started to think about why this was happening. Was it because I didn’t want to deal with making plans? No. Was it because I wasn’t interested in the potential plan? No.Then it hit me! I left the plans up to him because I trusted him to make the right decision for the both of us. I knew that I did not need to interject in order to ensure that my needs were also met.

I’ve got to say, this was kind of a breakthrough…

Never before had I been this way in a relationship. I always wanted to be involved in making plans—I always wanted to know exactly what was happening. Why, you might ask? Because I didn’t feel secure. I didn’t feel safe enough in previous relationships to trust that my partner would take care of me.

Do you need to be in constant control in your relationship, but weren’t sure why? Here are some things that might be causing that…

5 things that might be contributing to your constant need of control:

Trust

It’s really simple: trust is key. If you feel that you constantly need to be in control, it’s probably because you don’t wholeheartedly trust your partner. Trust is crucial to the success of a relationship, so if this is an issue, you may need to reconsider if this is the right person for you…

Safety

The most basic part of life is making sure that our needs are met. This includes feeling safe. If you are unsure about your partner’s ability to keep you out of harm’s way, I don’t blame you for feeling the need to constantly be in charge of things.

If this is the case in your relationship, talk to your partner. Explain what causes you to feel unsafe, and request that they respect and honor it. If you find that this works, it may help you gain trust for your partner.

Consideration 

If you need to be in control because your partner doesn’t consider your needs when making decisions, this is a problem. More than anything, our partners should know what it is that we need to feel safe and happy and be able to incorporate this into your life as a joint couple. If you are constantly required to fight and advocate for yourself, this may not be the healthiest relationship for you…

Questioning

Questioning someone’s choices usually means that you don’t agree with what they’re doing. If you regularly wonder if your partner was in her right mind when making life decisions for herself, as well as for the two of you, this can lead to conflict in your relationship.

Being responsible 

Are you always needing to be the responsible one? Making sure things are taken care of, and that bothyou and your partner have things in order? It’s not fun being your partner’s parent, is it? Relationships are meant to be partnerships, where both parties are able to contribute to the relationship and support one another.

Know that things can be different. You can find a love that is brilliant and incredible, all while equally taking care of each other. Trust truly is at the foundation of any relationship, and if it’s not strong enough to hold the two of you up, your relationship will collapse.

Be with someone who can carry you sometimes—be with someone who you trust enough to decide what’s for dinner and what movie you are going to watch—be with someone who can make you feel safe enough to not sweat the small and big stuff. Be with someone who loves you like Kanye loves Kanye…

Feeling stuck in your relationship and not sure what to do? Consider these 7 things…

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xx,

Paula

7 Ways to Avoid Rushing Your Relationships

Falling in love and building strong relationships is arguably one of the most beautiful aspects of being alive. Relationships fill us with happiness and provide us with a companion—a best friend—to share our lives with. What greater gift is there?

The gift of love is one to cherish. What if, however, not all relationships are created equal? What if some relationships move slower than we hope? What if some relationships aren’t necessarily where we expect them to be? What if some relationships can’t provide us with what we want right then and there? There’s always a “next step” to take when it comes to relationships, whether you’re ready to move in, get engaged, tie the knot, or start a family. So, what do you do?

As they say, patience is a virtue. Sometimes the best thing you can do is wait. If you and your partner are invested, compatible, and truly happy, taking a step back to enjoy the ride and allow your relationship to take its course organically is your best option. Love is not meant to be rushed; relationships are not meant to be planned. Natural progression is definitely the goal. Wonder why? Let’s talk about it…

7 Ways to Avoid Rushing Your Relationships:

Timing is everything

Like life, relationships are all about timing. Your relationship is successful because you met at the right time, were at the right place in your life, and you were ready for the type of commitment you were both seeking. So, don’t rush. Let life take the lead, and in due time, when it’s the right time, your relationship will move into the next steps.

Live in the moment

Enjoy where you are in your relationship. Whether it’s the early stages, planning your wedding, or expecting your first child, enjoy every second. Time is so valuable, and it is not meant to be taken for granted. Things can change in an instant, so enjoy where you and your partner are today…

Go with the flow

Allow the universe to guide you and your partner in the right direction. See what adventures life takes you on. As long as you’re on the same page, go with the flow.

Don’t compare

You take a look around and literally allof your friends and their mothers are getting engaged, married, or having babies—and you’re not. It can feel awful to be behind-on-the-times, but remember, you are living for you, so don’t compare yourself or your relationshipto anyone else

Marriage isn’t for everyone

Due to societal pressures, marriageis always the expectation. Just because society tells us to wear a white dress and walk down the aisle, doesn’t mean we have to. Putting a ring on your finger doesn’t make a commitment stronger, only two people who love each other can do that. Plus, weddings are SUPER pricey…so take your time.

Trust the process

Know that the universe is looking out for you. Know that your partner has your best interest at heart. Know that things will progress just as they need to, when they need to. Trust the process.

Believe in your relationship

Love your partner to the fullest and put all that you’ve got into making your relationship as healthy and fulfilling as possible. Be happy, be present, be in love. Believe in your relationship.  

relationships | love | rushing | trust | timing

Wanting to improve communication and be more mindful in your relationship? Check out these tips on how to be present…

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xx,

Paula

Relationships and How to Safely Let Your Guard Down

It can be scary to let your guard down. We’ve all been there. We’ve been hurt. We all have a past. Some of which may be scary, dark, and full of grey skies. However, it’s important to remember that it’s in the past…

You’ve been blessed with this new relationship. A relationship so great, and with someone so wonderful, that it pushed those grey-skies aside, covered you with warm sunshine, and allowed you the space to take a deep breath. Due to past fears and triggers, it feels nearly impossible to let your guard down, but in order to keep the sunshine and fresh air flowing, you’ve got to start the process…

Trust isn’t built overnight, and neither are healthy relationships. They take hard work, dedication, and a great deal of respect and honesty. Nonetheless, regardless of the scary what-if’s, the sooner you begin to move forward, the better.

NOTE: It’s crucial to keep in mind that this is NOT your last relationship. If you had any doubts, you would have probably run for the hills by now. Clearly, there is a reason you’ve stuck it out this long. Trust yourself—know that you are choosing wisely. Continue to utilize those awful, hurtful lessons learned to keep your heart safe; those lessons help you make better choices. Put your fears aside, let your guard down, and take a risk—it’s possible that you may find exactly what you’ve been looking for…

Here are some simple steps to help you let your guard down:

Trust

This can literally be one of the hardest things to accomplish. Trust is earned, and it takes time, but when you have it…you’ve got gold. Try to trust your new partner. When I say trust, I don’t just mean knowing that she won’t lie to you. I mean giving him the kind of trust that will allow him to see the real you—the kind of trust where you let him in.

Stay positive

Keep things light and happy—try not to go to your dark place. Consider the positive things, and focus on the good. Allow yourself, and your new beau, the opportunity to have fun and enjoy the time you spend together.

The good stuff

Take notice of how great your partner is. Even if it takes you writing down or verbalizing five things you like about your babe every day, do it. This will help you build trust, and also focus on the positive. You’ll thank yourself later…

Family and friends

Introduce your partner to the important people in your life. Trust that she will behave appropriately, and expect her get along with your loved ones. If she fits you, she’ll fit them too…

Participation

Allow your partner to participate in your life—include him in the things you love to do, whether solo or in a group. Providing your partner with this opportunity will help you evaluate if you want him to be included in exciting parts of your life. It’ll also help you discover how well you two fit together.

Also, having fun is necessary in all successful relationships.

Honesty

Be honest with yourself, and with your partner. If you’re having triggers, or feel smothered, let her know. If you want to spend more time together, or feel that you’re unable to trust him, share your thoughts. Honesty is truly the best policy…

Communication

Along with honesty, remember to communicate as clearly as you can. Don’t sugar-coat things, and know that people don’t read minds. Ask questions—share concerns—express gratitude and joy—communicate. Being open, honest, and expressing yourself will deter arguments and will keep you focused on the fun stuff.

let your guard down | relationships | trust | communication | love

Not sure if your relationship is healthy? Review the signs of an unhealthy relationship…

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xx,

Paula

Intimacy is About More Than Sex

Intimacy is something all human beings desire, and it is part of each person’s psychosocial development. Intimacy vs. isolation is a concept based on Erik Erikson’s psychoanalytical theory. This is an important stage because it is the time in which adults meet someone they can connect with and commit to. With this, one is able to set themselves up for meaning in life, which is pertinent to success in the following stages.

The meaning of “intimacy” has shifted overtime, as many psychosocial ideologies do. Intimacy, specifically for millennials, seems to now have a varied significance. Sex appears to be a primary marker of intimacy, whether or not an emotional attachment is incorporated.

So can sex be intimate? Yes. But is it the only form of intimacy? No. Can we be taught how to be intimate, just like we’re taught about sex? Think about it—from the time that teens hit puberty, education on safe sex, how not to get pregnant, and how to avoid contracting an STI are part of the curriculum. What about learning how to be intimate? Or learning what intimacy is? There is such an emphasis on sex, and I find that society, and especially media, have displayed sex as the prime form of intimacy.

Is it possible that sex is a way for two people to convey their level of intimacy? Absolutely. Sex is simply a physical act, and anyone can engage. However, intimacy is something very special, and it takes a lot of time and effort to develop such a deep connection with another individual.

Let’s talk about some other forms of intimacy…

7 ways to be intimate:

1. Trust

I cannot express how important trust is in a relationship. The first step to building a strong bond is to trust and feel safe with your partner. Without trust, there is no intimacy.

2. Love

Just like trust, love and care are vital components of intimacy. To see the best in a person, and choose to share your life with them says a lot. Building upon your relationship day by day allows for the constant strengthening of that connection.

3. Communication

Sharing pieces of yourself that are either meaningful or difficult to talk about allows both of you to become more intimate. Learning about one another, especially when discussing hopes, dreams, desires, or traumatic experiences, will further expand on your relationship. Trust is crucial in instances such as these.

4. Physical touch

Sometimes the more basic aspects of physical touch, such as cuddling, holding hands, or hugging, allow two people to feel closer to one another. It contributes to intimacy, supports your relationship, and keeps the novelty alive.

5. Spending alone time

Spending alone time together as a couple, whether engaging in an activity, or just hanging out, also provides an opportunity to increase intimacy. Something as simple as lying on a blanket in the park while holding hands and watching the leaves blow in the wind is romantic and warrants a deeper connection.

6. Peacefully sharing space

Many couples cohabitate, and this too can increase intimacy. Peacefully sharing space and a life with someone else exhibits a great deal of trust and love. This allows for a deeper level of understanding about your partner and their needs, as well as your own. Compromise and respect will most likely play a significant role here. Learning about one another in a brand new setting will surely improve your relationship.

7. Being yourself

Being your true self with another individual is the highest level of intimacy. Letting your guard down, opening up, trusting someone, and sharing some of the most private parts of yourself takes a great deal of courage. If you and your partner have a connection that allows you to be fully unfiltered versions of yourselves, know that you have reached an incredible place in your relationship, and an extraordinary degree of intimacy.

There are many layers of intimacy, and yes, sex is a part of that, but don’t sell yourself short and miss out on the incredible, loving, and trusting bond you and your partner can have together…

intimacy | relationships | bond | connection | love | trust

Not sure if you’re able to connect with your partner and feeling unhappy? Click here to see if you’re in an unhealthy relationship.

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xx,

Paula

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