Ever feel like you need to be in control of everything in your life? This has most likely happened to the best of us. The need for control is not because you’re a control freak, or because you’re OCD, it’s because you need to secure safety for yourself.
Needing to feel in control in relationships has a lot to do with a sense of safety as well. I was sitting on the couch with my boyfriend the other night, and we were trying to figure out our plan for the weekend. I looked over at him and said, “we can do whatever you want.”This is very much unlike me, especially when it comes to relationships and decision making.
As I noticed this change in my behavior, I started to think about why this was happening. Was it because I didn’t want to deal with making plans? No. Was it because I wasn’t interested in the potential plan? No.Then it hit me! I left the plans up to him because I trusted him to make the right decision for the both of us. I knew that I did not need to interject in order to ensure that my needs were also met.
I’ve got to say, this was kind of a breakthrough…
Never before had I been this way in a relationship. I always wanted to be involved in making plans—I always wanted to know exactly what was happening. Why, you might ask? Because I didn’t feel secure. I didn’t feel safe enough in previous relationships to trust that my partner would take care of me.
Do you need to be in constant control in your relationship, but weren’t sure why? Here are some things that might be causing that…
5 things that might be contributing to your constant need of control:
Trust
It’s really simple: trust is key. If you feel that you constantly need to be in control, it’s probably because you don’t wholeheartedly trust your partner. Trust is crucial to the success of a relationship, so if this is an issue, you may need to reconsider if this is the right person for you…
Safety
The most basic part of life is making sure that our needs are met. This includes feeling safe. If you are unsure about your partner’s ability to keep you out of harm’s way, I don’t blame you for feeling the need to constantly be in charge of things.
If this is the case in your relationship, talk to your partner. Explain what causes you to feel unsafe, and request that they respect and honor it. If you find that this works, it may help you gain trust for your partner.
Consideration
If you need to be in control because your partner doesn’t consider your needs when making decisions, this is a problem. More than anything, our partners should know what it is that we need to feel safe and happy and be able to incorporate this into your life as a joint couple. If you are constantly required to fight and advocate for yourself, this may not be the healthiest relationship for you…
Questioning
Questioning someone’s choices usually means that you don’t agree with what they’re doing. If you regularly wonder if your partner was in her right mind when making life decisions for herself, as well as for the two of you, this can lead to conflict in your relationship.
Being responsible
Are you always needing to be the responsible one? Making sure things are taken care of, and that bothyou and your partner have things in order? It’s not fun being your partner’s parent, is it? Relationships are meant to be partnerships, where both parties are able to contribute to the relationship and support one another.
Know that things can be different. You can find a love that is brilliant and incredible, all while equally taking care of each other. Trust truly is at the foundation of any relationship, and if it’s not strong enough to hold the two of you up, your relationship will collapse.
Be with someone who can carry you sometimes—be with someone who you trust enough to decide what’s for dinner and what movie you are going to watch—be with someone who can make you feel safe enough to not sweat the small and big stuff. Be with someone who loves you like Kanye loves Kanye…
Feeling stuck in your relationship and not sure what to do? Consider these 7 things…
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xx,
Paula
